New Macbook

As I type this post I have one dvd ripping, two torrents downloading, and one seeding. My old computer would have been stopped in its tracks with all this going on. But I have a new macbook. 2.1 Ghz of raw apple awesomeness hums beneath my fingertips. Every day that I use this amazing machine I am impressed by something new. I left town for awhile and left my laptop on with the lid closed. So it was in a sleep mode. For 24 hours it slept in my dresser drawer. The power only drained by 10%. That's not sleep, that downright comatose.

iPhoto is a joy to use. I have got several other cool programs like Handbrake, to rip DVDs, or Qumana, so I can blog when I'm not connected to internet and just upload with one click once I have a connection. Front Row is a great multimedia experience. I realize this isn't particularly interesting, but I just need to rave a bit about my new baby. Which, I just realized, needs a name. Thoughts?

Better Than Sex

You know when you wake up in the morning and the first thing that pops into your brain is the amazing thing that happened the night before? And then you lay in bed smiling, trying to remember every detail. No, I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about poetry.

As most of you should know, I had an event at the Loft last night. The night began with a competition between some local poets, and the entire Phoenix slam team. They all came down from Phoenix to compete. A summer's worth of practice will do wonders for your performance and your poetry. The team dominated and one of them went home with the prize.

Then came our feature. After months of preparation, Team Tucson was about to showcase their work in a public venue. A group of people from my church were there. The amazingly awesome Team Phoenix was there. It was time.

The first poem was a group piece. I wrote most of it, and I performed it with someone else on my team. We had never done it for a crowd before. Group pieces are so much fun.

After a few more poems I was up again, this time with an individual piece. I knew this piece well, and there were only a few minor edits. What I had really been working on was performance. That performance was without a doubt, the best performance of my life. And one simple fact helped it on its way to greatness.

There was no mic.

A microphone had always tied me to one spot. Limited my movement. My feet had to be planted. But without this limitation I moved. I had never practiced that poem without imagining a mic in front of me, but the movements were easy, and so much fun. As I came to the end of the poem, I noticed a short stool in front of me Without thinking, as my words began to crescendo to the bellowing ending, I stepped up on the stool, raised my hands and roared to the audience:

"The world is doomed!"

Who needs sex when words can make you feel like that?

Irony

I realized that is rather ironic to follow such a serious post about sacred pilgrimages, with a funny (I hope) one about nerd sex. So instead of attempting to overcome the irony I will simply embrace it with this ironic translation.

Team Tucson Send-off Show

Saturday, July 26
7:00 pm
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, 1730 E Speedway
$5 donation

Open slam at our home sweet home, poetic newcomers going head-to-head with local
heroes. Hosted by emcee extraordinaire Chillin Da Conscious Poet and featuring
pieces you've never heard before from the Tucson Slam Team! Show up early to
get on this list, have a delicious dinner, and save room for dessert--tonight
only, a portion of the money spent on food will be donated to Team Tucson.

An Annoucement of my Intentions

Every year approximately 150,000 people depart on the Pilgrimage to 88 Sacred Places of Shikoku. Most people these days take one of the many available bus tours around this Japanese island. However, a small, but growing number choose to undertake this 1400 km journey on foot. This pilgrimage travels to 88 temples, in a circular path around the island of Shikoku. You end at the same place where you began. The only difference, is you are sorer, smellier and hopefully, wiser.

I don't know how I am going to do it. The logistics of getting a hold of 5,000 dollars and two months away from my life are rather complicated. From where I'm standing they seem impossible. But I know that nothing is impossible. There is always money to be earned, and time is there if you make it. I don't know when, or how, but I do know if. I will walk the Pilgrimage to the 88 Sacred Places of Shikoku. Now that my intentions are made public, it will be much harder to back out them.


For more information on this pilgrimage check out www.shikokuhenrotrail.com
Today's cookie goes to the first person to tell me what the sedge hat of the Shikoku pilgrim represents.

3.14 Ways to Have Hot Nerd Sex

Many people seem to be under the impression that nerds don't get any. What people seem to forget is that nerds come in all genders. If you and your geeky girlfriend needs some ways to spice up your sex life here are 3.14 tips.

1) Use a textured condom and roleplay Klingon lovers. Especially effective if she likes to bite.

2) Roleplay is great, but Cosplay is better. Nothing turns on a girl more than reenacting the lemon fanfic your wrote when you were sixteen. Those giant hair spikes can do so much more than make you look awesome.

3) For the S&M nerds, roleplay as OSX and Vista ("You've been a bad OS, haven't you? You need to be punished.")

3.14) Just before penetration, these five syllables alone are sure to drive her wild.
Kame Kame Ha!

Anyone else have ideas. Cookie for the best one.

The Silver Screen Slam at The Loft

Date: Thursday July 24th
Time: 7:30pm - 10:00pm
Place: The Loft Theater, 3233 E Speedway
Admission: $5
Details(taken from Facebook event description):

Bring your best poetry performance pieces and battle it out with other cinema-loving slam-sters in hopes of snagging the coveted “Slammie” Award for Best Poet (and a $100 cash prize)!

We’ll hold two performance rounds, featuring a maximum of eight poets, so show up early to sign-up and ensure your place in film/poetry history. Judges will be selected at random from the audience, and points will be awarded after each performance. The highest point average after two rounds takes the $100 cash prize and the "Slammie" trophy. Bonus points will be awarded to anyone with a film-inspired piece, so start re-watching your favorite movies, pronto!
Doc Luben will be your cinematic tour guide through all the slam madness, so be prepared! And since we’re a movie theater, we’ll also be screening some amazing experimental short films throughout the evening, to make sure ALL your senses are stimulated.

But that’s not all … our featured performers of the night will be the talented members of the 2008 Tucson Slam Team (Lindsay Miller, Teresa Driver, Kelly Lewis, Faldwin, and Mickey Randleman), in one of their final appearances before leaving for the National Poetry Slam in Madison, Wisconsin, taking place August 3-9.

The $5.00 admission to The Silver Screen Slam will help raise much-needed funds to send the Tucson Slam Team to compete in Madison … so don’t be shy about donating a little extra cash in order to help our team bring Slam victory to the Tucson poetry scene!

Cookie: Today's cookie goes to the person who RSVPs for this event in the comments.

International Fame

As I mentioned a few posts ago, I was recently on the Slam Idol Podcast. Because this podcast is relatively popular, I decided to see if it boosted my traffic at all. About a month ago I started tracking this blog on Google Analytics. I didn't check it much because I figured that I wasn't getting much traffic and most of it was just from people I know in real life. When I logged onto the page I was greeted with loads of useful information. While I'm not getting tons of traffic, much of my traffic isn't local, and much of it comes from people doing searches. Here is the list of countries that have visted my site, ranked by number of hits.

1. Unites States (33)
2. United Kingdom (8)
3. Canada (4)
4. Spain (4)
5. Finland (2)
6. Isreal (2)
7. Denmark (1)
8. Germany (1)
9. Pakistan (1)
10. Mexico (1)

People have also arrived at my site thourgh various google searches. Here are some of the more interesting ones

• masochist poem - This search landed two vistors at my Masochist Motivation post. I worry what sort of people are coming to my blog. One of these hits was from Denmark. A Danish poet masochist, sounds like an interesting fellow.
  
• the evils of televison - This one is not so much interesting as exciting. This seems like it would be a pretty popular term to be searching.
• poems about threesomes - This is anther search that worries me. Maybe I should write a poem about a threesome so that this searcher will be satisfied.
• cinnamon roll food poems - I never would have imagined that this would bring up my blog, but this obscure search brought the user to my post about my triumph over a machine.
• girlfriend poem - How awesome is this? I'm sure loads of people search this looking for poems they can pretend they wrote, to impress their girlfriends.

I think because I have the word "poem" in my title people get my blog when searching for certain kinds of poems. I knew I made the right choice when I changed the title from "Insert Clever Title Here"

Now despite the fact that I have all these visitors I have hardly any comments. So I have decided to reinstate the cookies system. For an explanation, go here. Today's cookie goes to the best foriegn language post. I know you foriegners are out there. It doesn't matter what language. It doesn't matter what you say. If I'm impressed you get a cookie.

Japanese People Are Amazing

I have heard many people tell me that the Japanese are very polite. They have a very formal culture, and rudeness just has no place in it. I believed them, but it was never really cemented for me until I requested a guide map for the Pilgrimage to the 88 Sacred Places of Shikoku. For more info on that go to www.shikokuhenrotrail.com. I was so impressed with the response that I sent them a thank you letter. Here it is in it's entirety:(The characters at the bottom mean "thank you" in the most sincere and formal form)

To Whom It May Concern:
My name is *Insert Real Name Here* and I recently requested a copy of the Pilgrimage to the 88 Sacred Places Guide Map. From my experience with other organizations, I expected to wait several weeks for my package to be shipped overseas by traditional post.

Imagine my surprise when my package arrived only one week later by Express Mail International. According to the packaging, you not only spent more than many organizations would consider necessary, so that the package would arrive promptly, you shipped it out the day after I sent my email request. At this point I am already very impressed, and I have not even opened the package.

However, the surprises did not end there. When I opened the package I saw a sheet of white paper. I expected some sort of printout detailing my request. Instead there was a letter. Not a form letter, as shown by the broken English, but a short letter written for my benefit only, thanking me for my request. The letter also informed me that you sent two copies of the Guide Map. Not necessary, but impressive nonetheless.

When I explored the contents of the package more fully I found that you had also sent two copies of a Shikoku Travel Guide with information more suited for a tourist, than a pilgrim. That information will certainly be very useful if I ever visit Shikoku with less time than would take to complete the pilgrimage.

Let me say again how incredibly impressed I am with your organization. You have impressed on me a lasting image of kindness and dedication that I'm sure will be further reinforced when I visit Japan.

どうも有難うございます
*Insert Real Name Here*

Slam Idol Podcast

Several months ago I submitted the infamous Harry Potter Erotic Fan Fiction to a poetry podcast. This podcast is different than most of them in that it is formatted as a contest. Once all of the entries have aired, the listeners vote on who they think is the best. The winner might receive amazing prizes beyond their wildest dreams, eternal internet fame, and untold riches. Or they might just win a t-shirt. I forget. You can listen to me here:
slamidolpodcast.com
(a word of warning if you don't know the poem. It is very sexually explicit. It is also very funny.)

If you are coming here from the Slam Idol Podcast, welcome! You may be my first visitors that don't actually know me in real life. You already know what you heard on the show, but let me tell you a few of the things that Simon left out. I am currently part of the team that will be representing Tucson at the National Poetry Slam in Madison, Wisconsin this August. *pauses for cheers* Also the double l's in "Ocotillo" are pronounced with a "y" sound. So it is pronounced: "Ocotiyo" So there.

Another thing that many of you may not know is that I am going to college this fall at Northern Arizona University to study Elementary Education. I also do not plan to walk to the National Poetry Slam or sleep on the streets of Madison. Words may be cheap, but they are not free. In short, I need money. There is a Paypal link on the left. If you don't want to give me a donation (All donations made for me to go to the National Poetry Slam are tax deductible, really) I may be able to do something for you. I know a lot about computers, teaching, anime, and I'm a pretty decent poet. If you are willing to pay for any of these skills send me an email. Okay, shameless begging is over now.

Since this podcast thing I can pretend I have an audience now, so I will probably be blogging more often. I have run out of clever words for today, so I'm am going to sign off now. Farewell!

Triumph

Man has triumphed over machine. The trophies I hold in my hand are the proof. You are confused, but fear not, there is tale to be told.

I was at the UofA Library on the computer and left for a bit to get something from the vending machine. I put my money in the machine and make my selection. This machine, in all it's cleverness has a device that blocks the food from the place where you collect to the food. This barrier only slides back during vending. So, I have put my money in the machine and the barrier is retracting. Once retracted, the food begin to move forward. but my cinnamon roll is exceptionally large and is trapped. Before I can say sugar coated, the barrier moves back into place, leaving me with no money and no food.

Well, not quite no money. I have a five dollar bill, but those are useless at such machines. I realize that the only way for me to get my food is to purchase the item in back of it. I know that any hungry college student will realize the same thing. But I am out of change. Not wanting my money to go to waste, and have someone receive two treats for the price of one, I begin running. I got to the student union, purchase a 25 cent chocolate and run back to the machine with my change.

My food is still there, dangling, but held firmly in place. I put in more money and select F8. My cinnamon roll falls, and much to my delight, something else falls after it. Behind my cinnamon roll was a row of carrot cakes. I now have three treats, the satisfaction of victory, and something to blog about.

Photoshopping

Just posting a little photoshop job that I did for the Ocotillo Poetry slam. I may using it for their website, which I am building.

Highschool Graduate Seeking Work

I don't know how many people read this blog, but it is certainly less than the number of people that read the resume section at Craig's List. Nevertheless I am going to repost what I posted there, here. My email is faldwin@gmail.com if you are interested in contacting me about my services.

I have about six weeks free this summer, from June 23rd to August 1st. I can be available before then, but the schedule gets complicated, but I will try if you want. I need about 800 dollars to help pay for me go to the National Poetry Slam In Madison, Wisconsin. If you would like to give me 800 dollars I would be eternally grateful, but as that is extremely unlikely here are some of the things I can provide for you.

I know a quite a lot about computers, so if you need a techie I'm your man. I can build basic webpages, work with MS Office and Windows, a little bit of Mac and I can type about 30wpm. I could set up your computer, even teach you how to use it if you want. I know a lot about how to work with various internet applications, so I could run your website/blog/forum. If I don't know how to use it there's a good chance I could figure it out.

As I mentioned before I am a poet. If you need a slam poet for your event, I would be happy to oblige. My poetry has a narrative/declamatory voice, rarely including rhyme or consistent meter. In other words my poetry is more about what I say, than how I say it. However, I still put a lot of thought and purpose into my delivery, because I write my poetry to be heard. Keep in mind that much of my work contains language and content that may be considered objectionable. I am also good at reciting the works of others. So if you want me to lend my voice to classic or modern works I can do that too.

Another of my areas of expertise is teaching. I plan to be a teacher, and have acquired significant experience in this field, for someone of my age. I can tutor your child in all manner of subjects, and I can even work with adults. If I know it, then I can teach it.

I may even be able to do something else. If there is something that you need done, send me an email and we'll talk. I am pretty open-minded.

Despite being open minded, there are certain things I will not do. These include, but are not limited to:
Doing anything illegal, immoral, or dangerous.
Doing anything of a sexual or romantic nature (I'm not that attractive, really)
Working extremely late at night.
Working on Friday or Saturday nights.
Producing work for you to claim as your own.
Working for free.

So if you are need of a poet, teacher, computer nerd or anything else anytime within the dates of June 23rd to August 1st (or before if you are willing to work with my schedule) please don't hesitate to send me an email. You don't have to provide the whole sum, but anything you can do to help out would be much appreciated.

You can donate money, or listen to some of my poems at my blog here:
faldwin.blogspot.com
(Click on “Recordings” to hear the poems)

Hopefully this will result in some interesting work that will help with my sticky financial situation.